also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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