Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
