If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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