Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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