I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
