dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
