If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
