Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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