is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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