I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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