I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
