In the future we'll all be gay
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
