We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
