i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
