Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
