Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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