I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
