so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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