I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
