She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
