I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
