So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
