textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
