Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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