and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She just used a chaser for red wine.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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