Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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