maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Watching her eat just hurts me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
