She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
