the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
