Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
