walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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