Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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