living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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