I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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