you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
