She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My life is pants optional.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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