Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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