you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
