I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
