Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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