it was like his penis was on wheels.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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