you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
