No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
