dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
