I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
