I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I see more hoeing in ur future
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
