Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
