I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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