I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
