I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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