Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
