if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
