im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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