Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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