i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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