Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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