i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
